What NOT to Say to Working Moms

I am often amazed at the insensitive comments people sometimes direct to moms. They don’t realize that there are things you should try not to say to moms, especially to working moms.

Oftentimes, the comments reflect genuine concern and are expressed with neutral or positive intent. Some moms, in the throes of raging postpartum hormones and chronic sleep deprivation, may perceive unsolicited opinions as immense criticism. That was certainly the case early on for me. But the opinions don’t stop after the postpartum phase.

Maybe to be cathartic, I compiled a list of things people have said. I asked friends and acquaintances for their stories too. They impressed me with their generous and commiserative responses. 

I quickly noticed that many of the most insidious comments centered around our choice to continue working. Or, they ignored the fact that we embodied (or wanted to hold on to) an identity that was more than just mom. 

Why is this the case? I was really curious about why everyone seemed to have opinions about working moms. Yet, there was little to nothing about working dads. 

According to Sharon Hays’ 1996 book “The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood,” the “intensive mothering” standards of the modern era have never been higher. I’m beginning to think that sometimes what people say to working moms might reflect impossible expectations. 

A few personal examples

It started during pregnancy, with the well-meaning and demeaning "mentoring" from a senior leader at work: "Don’t plan too far ahead. Your priorities at work will surely change once the baby comes." I wondered what exactly about doing meaningful work and getting the recognition and compensation for it was supposed to change. Do expecting dads get this same kind of career advice?

Then there’s the guilt trip shrouded with exaggerated concern: “I am so worried that you’re working too hard and missing out on time with your child!” What does working too hard even mean? I doubt many men would hear this same concern. So what if a mom is working hard, as long as she wants to, needs to, or enjoys doing it.

Here is a comment that also reflects gender inequity for me: “You’re doing so much traveling for work. How are you supposed to manage your family as a mother with that job?” All the while, my husband sits next to me in the same conversation, with nobody bothering to note how his surgical residency demands 80-100 hours per week at the hospital. 

And finally, there’s projecting unnecessary feelings where they don’t actually exist. “The baby must really miss you when you’re at work.” My 9-month-old with separation anxiety cried whenever I went to the bathroom or kitchen, but no one pointed that out.  

Everyone has something to say about motherhood

Friends, family, and colleagues are usually pretty self-aware when it comes to their attitudes and behaviors. They are careful to avoid making offensive comments about people with disabilities or those of another race/ethnicity or sexual orientation. 

However, there’s considerably less restraint when it comes to motherhood. Everyone seems to have opinions about motherhood. As Huma Qureshi writes, “Even if we’ve not all given birth we have all been born.” So, obviously, we are all surely experts on the topic!

People are eager to tell you how they had it harder or that they handled it better than you – without actually knowing you, your child(ren), or your situation. Insecurities and defensiveness rule modern parenting conversations.

Alexandra Sacks, a psychiatrist specializing in issues surrounding pregnancy and parenthood, attributes this to the “psychological dynamic behind the so-called mommy wars, merciless, no-win public competitions over the best way to raise a child.”

Language that disempowers working moms

Karen Rinaldi wrote in an Opinion piece in The New York Times about how society commonly frames motherhood as the “hardest job in the world” and all about “sacrifice.” The consequence of such linguistic tropes is the reinforcement of disempowering mothers and women. 

She goes on to write about how this framing of motherhood as a sacrifice or a job leads to the frequent questioning of the priorities of mothers who work outside the home. “It’s as if women are forced to choose between ambition (or simply earning a living wage) and family.” Fathers, of course, are never asked to choose between their families and professional identities.

In addition, framing women who choose to retain a professional identity as sacrificing martyrs undermines the need for policy change for meaningful support. Paid parental leave, more flexible working hours, publicly funded day care - these policies require a cultural shift.

On top of the opinions that everyone, mothers and non-mothers alike, seems entitled to vocalize, there is often a lack of empathy compounded by harsh judgement. 

Kim Brooks writes about the no-win situation in “Motherhood in the Age of Fear”: 

“We’re contemptuous of ‘lazy’ poor mothers. We’re contemptuous of ‘distracted’ working mothers. We’re contemptuous of ‘selfish’ rich mothers. We’re contemptuous of mothers who have no choice but to work, but also of mothers who don’t need to work and still fail to fulfill an impossible ideal of selfless motherhood.”

Let's recognize what we say

We, as an American society, need to move beyond the language that continues to disempower working moms. These judgemental opinions and comments, spoken and unspoken, exist because of our unconscious bias. 

Habits, however, are very difficult to break. The first step is to recognize them.

Thus, in honor of Mother’s Day 2020, I’m sharing my compiled list of real examples of insensitive things people say to working moms. I hope that we can encourage each other to recognize and to stop saying these things. Thank you to everyone in our Facebook group for contributing! 

Don’t say this to working moms!

About working

• Are you sure this is the right time to be doing [bold, ambitious career move]? You must have a lot going on with a young child at home.
• That new position is a lot to take on with kids in the picture. You should just stay in this position because it’s easier and boring.
• Why are you going back to work [after your baby comes] when you don’t have to?
• That’s so nice that your boss understands you need time off when your kid is sick.
• Oh, I just don’t know how you manage to do it all at work and for your family! You must be so exhausted. [This should always be accompanied by an offer of payment-free and obligation-free childcare.]

About maternity leave and pumping

• How was your vacation? or Enjoy your long vacation!
• Just tell your manager that you have to pump if you want to get out of going to that meeting.
• New moms are so lucky that they get to take breaks during the day to pump.
• Why are you back? We figured we'd never see you again!

About parenting

• You will miss your son growing up.
• I didn’t have kids just to throw them in daycare, so why do you work?
• Who watches the kids? Does your husband like your work travel?
• It's so nice that your husband can babysit when you travel for work!
• It must be so hard for you that someone else raises your kids during the day.
• I could never leave my kids with strangers all day.
• I love that you have no shame in taking your kids to daycare!

Additional egregious examples of what NOT to say

• When are you going to have kids? [to a woman silently suffering a miscarriage]
• I would love to marry a rich woman and be a stay-at-home dad. [to a pregnant woman]
• I believe a parent should stay at home with the baby until the age of two. [said male physician, trying to convince female colleagues not to return after maternity leave]
• We are lucky to be in a situation where my wife is able to stay home with our kids.
• Are you OK? It’s after 5pm. You shouldn’t be working this late. [said to pregnant woman]
• I don’t think you have it so hard. My husband traveled all the time when my children were young. [said an elderly woman]
• Are you pregnant AGAIN? [to mom who hasn't returned to her previous size]

Last thoughts

I am not innocent. I’ve been guilty of insensitivities myself in the past. After a relative had her first baby, I was genuinely curious about breastfeeding, and I recall having asked her rudely whether she’d felt like a milking cow. 

On the professional side, even if I haven’t publicly vocalized biases against coworkers who are working moms, I admit to having had a few unwarranted questions about their priorities in the past. Nowadays, I try to catch myself when I have these thoughts. I try to consider why I might be conditioned to think this way.

As for opinions, I try my best to not offer judgement. What right do I have to judge or give any opinion to another working mom unless I had walked in her shoes, worked her job, lived in her house, taken care of her family, and ridden the rollercoaster of all the emotions that she felt? 

Let’s face it - all of that would be utterly impossible. 

With everything I’ve listed as what you shouldn’t say to working moms, then what can you say? One might suggest praising working moms with “You’re doing a great job.” But even that’s a judgement that’s not ours to make. 

Words matter. Let’s stay away from language that disempowers women and mothers. Let’s consider how we can help embrace and promote the professional identities and ambitions of working moms. Maybe lead with “How can I help you?” and “What support can I offer?”

It’s your turn. What have people said to you? And what do you wish they said instead? Please share in the comments.