Before my son was born, I never realized how much of a struggle it really is to “have it all.”
I always just did everything I needed or wanted to do. I ran 6 miles a day, was a top student, then top performer at work. I was married and considered myself a thoughtful, caring wife.
Having my son hit me like a ton of bricks. I never knew how challenging having a child was. That little boy that I loved with my whole heart really made me struggle, and caring for him still challenges me daily.
At 3 months old, my son was up 5-6 times a night. He would sleep for a few hours straight, but by 4am he was pooping in his diaper and then up every hour. I was the only person caring for him at night because I was breastfeeding. My partner was already back at work, in a demanding career that requires making life and death decisions. My son also cried a lot and was never content for long. The crying and the lack of sleep really sent my body for a loop.
When I look back at this time, I know I had postpartum anxiety. I wish I had known about it and recognized it, and I wish I had gotten some help.
When I went back to work, I cried almost daily. My friends immediately recognized something was wrong and referred me to the Employee Assistance Program. I did talk to a therapist through the program, but by that time, I had already been dealing with my son’s health, changing his childcare arrangements to avoid the illnesses in daycare, AND getting reorganized into a different department at work.
Prior to my maternity leave, I was working in a laboratory where I had close friends and was doing research relevant to my training background. Almost immediately upon returning to work, I was greeted with a reorganization, and I was moved into a group that did work for which I had no experience.
Around that time, a colleague in a different department heard about the reorganization and reached out to me about a new opportunity. I remember that I was pumping when I received his message and got really excited. A week later, I met with laboratory heads in the new department as well as their VP. When I called home after meeting with the VP, ecstatic about the new possibility of a new position, my husband told me he was at the ER with our son. Needless to say, this was such an emotional time for me!
However, even though it was an emotional time for me, I really thrived once I transferred to the new department. In fact, during my performance review, I received an “exceeds” rating. Thus, I am very grateful to those who supported me during that time.
I am writing this mostly to let people know just how challenging it is for new moms to transition back to work. My company has a much longer paid parental leave policy now, and I encourage my direct reports - both male and female- to take advantage of that policy. Family always comes first, and you never know what challenges await when you bring a child into this world.